If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
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Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.