I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
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I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
“our sushi is very fresh”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.