“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.