8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.