My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
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Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
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Expectations vs. Reality
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”