[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
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Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
the best thing i’ve ever made
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.