It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
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[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I think this cat is broken
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.