BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
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Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over