who’s ready for the long weeknd?
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I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
☠️☠️☠️
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You