Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
he chose this
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.