No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Risking my life for fun.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor