There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
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I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
same bro
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”