*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
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Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Autocorrect is my menesis
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.