Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your rĂ©sumĂ©?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me