[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA