*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.