Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
You Might Also Like
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.