Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.