My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
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Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.