When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
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Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.