Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
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You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
My Plans 2020
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I’m not proud
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower