hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
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Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.