haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
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Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.