*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
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Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really