May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
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Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.