Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
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Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Imma just leave this here…………
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.