Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
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I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
and now we wait
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).