My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
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ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend