I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
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“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah