I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
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Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
men are simple creatures
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Are you a cat person or a person person?