hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
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Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…