11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
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Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart