No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
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“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
a god among men
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”