My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
You Might Also Like
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Seas the day!!!!
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!