Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Coffee is ready.