I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
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[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Lmbo
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
B
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
The French word for sex is croissant.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”