Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.