*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
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to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
A woman drives into a bar.