I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
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true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..