Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
No way!
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition