Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
You Might Also Like
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?