“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
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I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My dad.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone