Bitcoin. Toothurt.
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[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
anyone else like Italian cereal
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.