I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
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Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.