Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
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I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Left at a local drug store…
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
me
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.