Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
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3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
HELP 😭
The glory of fall.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out