if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
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What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.