My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I didn’t come here to be called names
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.