You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
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My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.