When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
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Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.